I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
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to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Me, reading some of your tweets
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic