The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
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Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
This kid is a star!
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.