I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
You Might Also Like
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”