Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
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Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
There are usually two types of merchants.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable