I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
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Name another movie that mislead you?
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
crazy
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
🐕🍷
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter