Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
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HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
back to work
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?