Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
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interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]