“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
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PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.