Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
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Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money