*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
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FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Who called it baking and not making love
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.