Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
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*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.