You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
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Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this