I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
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When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Extremely relatable.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”