Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
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Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom