SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
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no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.