[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
You Might Also Like
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
they really do be looking like this
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.