Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
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Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.