I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
You Might Also Like
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
drew a comic about my origin story
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.