Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
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Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
What’s so funny?
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?