“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
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Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
How did we not see this back then?
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Des Moines Police having a normal one
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.