Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
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Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Bros before Ohioes
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.