I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
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[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
grotesque if literal: baby food
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
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villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
These 3D printers are insane!
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.