My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
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I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.