[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
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When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota