I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
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People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
The Book. The Movie.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Just grow your own
*cough*
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me