Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
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We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.