I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
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Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
gm
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris