When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
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Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Come back with a warrant
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.