I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
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Perfection.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Good boy 😂😂
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.