Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
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The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Worst perfume name ever.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
english majors be like furthermore
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.