Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
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Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
“Huge”.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.