painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
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mathematically impossible
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
yeah no that’s fair
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
My neck, my back, my…
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.