Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
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Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!