I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
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[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
There’s never enough good news
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.