GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
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Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
the composer
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers