[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
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Then when people ask me what it means…
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Not😆🤣
How dude HOW?!
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.