My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
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*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?