If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
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“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight