A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
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oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
You are not alone 💚
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
*praying for world peace*
God:
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.