The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
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I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Godspeed, John Glenn
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Most fashion shows these days…
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out