Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
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I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
The options really are this bad
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here