[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
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washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.