Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
You Might Also Like
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.