Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
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my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Natural selection at its finest
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
dictator is short for richard potato
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.