When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
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Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Aw man, but that’s the best part
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
a lot to unpack here
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.