Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
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I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
My brain is a bad influence on me
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.