Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
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if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.