took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
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Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes