me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
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need a new bf mines broken 😐
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public