Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
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“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
My dog ate my work from home.